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The Corporate Corona Products We Need

By: Sam Poulos

Times are tough, but corporate America has stepped up in a huge why by making sure we know how much they value us and our money. Customized masks and head scarfs are already upon us, what other consumer products will emerge in this crisis? Here are a few ways corporations can further improve the lives of the American people in the age of corona, because if we’re not spending money, are we really even alive?

1.Trojan Facemasks. It’s time for Trojan to start producing a new prophylactic, one which tries to increase the population. Sure you may put the mask on the wrong way at first, take it off, try the other way, and then realize that you in fact had on correctly the first time, but that’s just brand consistency. Trojan, please start making ribbed Facemasks. We need them. We want them. Plus, you won’t even have to change your motto.

Trojan--it feels better without one, but don’t be an idiot!

2. Remote Learning by Peloton. Schools are probably going to have remote aspects to their curriculum for years to come. Should schools keep using Zoom? which is literally purgatory, or should we at least get leg day in while we pretend to listen to lectures on a screen. Do the right thing, Peloton. Ensure American’s receive an education, God knows the federal government won’t.

3. Ad-Space on toilet paper. The answer to the toilet paper shortage is increased financial incentives for companies to produce rolls of it. Each square of toilet paper could be sold to corporations and companies like billboards. Adds are already being shoved down our throats, why not be wiped on our asses as well?

4. Gucci Body Bag. Afraid of confronting the reality that American society has taken an irreversible turn for the worst because of widespread cultural apathy? Use this sleek Gucci drawstring bag to discreetly hide proof of covid’s lethality and carry on living in the Matrix—customizable and available for order. The Gucci Body Bag—After you get iced, get ice.

5. Viking River Cruise Mass Funeral. This plan is essentially giving 600 people one giant Viking Funeral. A moderate improvement from your classic Viking River Cruise, all the passengers are dead on arrival as Cruise ship is set ablaze in the water, sinking as a Trinidadian steelpan plays “Amazing Grace”, while loved ones bid farewell standing on the dock just outside of the gift-shop and mini-bar.

Disclaimer: None of the companies mentioned are affiliated with this article (but don’t be surprised if that Peloton thing comes true).

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