5 Ways College Will Be Like Fyre Festival
By: Sam Poulos
The future has never been more uncertain for college kids. Schools are making a lot of promises about how they’ll “teach socially distanced”, and “provide adequate housing options”, and “keep campuses from becoming the petri dishes they normally are”. This fall semester will be unlike any other, and while it won’t take place on an island previously owned by Pablo Escobar, it will in many ways be like Fyre Festival, aka the 2016 social media scam which tricked thousands of rich millennial festival frequenters, delirious from obscene amounts of MDMA, into paying for essentially a tent on a beach without food, housing, or plumbing.
1. “I think we made a mistake.” Words spoken both by drug-addled festival goers as well as drug-addled college kids when they see they’ll be sleeping in FEMA tents. Both will weigh cost-benefit analysis of hot-boxing them.
2. “I heard Ja Rule was coming”. Yes, there were rumors at Fyre Festival that Ja Rule would show up (but only because his presence was a central focus of the marketing campaign), and yes, he promised to come perform at your college, but he wasn’t even a part of your college’s marketing campaign, so don’t bet on it.
3. “Is this legal?”. This sentiment may also be expressed in certain regions as, “Thanks Obama,” an archaic mid ‘10s term expressing a sarcastic gratitude toward the 44th President for ruining the world. Possible Usage: “The price of gasoline has risen seventeen cents? Thanks Obama!”
4. “You’re all going home early”. Is it poetic irony that the Fyre Festival died with a flicker? I’m not sure--all my English classes are over Zoom now. But as my Shakespeare Professor said in a recent lecture, “Brevity is the soul of--oh my computer’s dying!”
5. “There won’t be any refunds”. One important difference between the upcoming college semester and Fyre Festival is that those who orchestrated the fall semester probably won’t receive criminal charges or face any prison time. Unfortunately.